My Life Story - From Within

Here's something I feel you should read...something I want you to read...then you get a better picture of where I have come from in my life...

I'm gonna tell ya my life story pretty much, so you can understand where I'm coming from in regards to my insecurities on different things...don't get me wrong...I trust you...just in the back of my head there will always be some insecurities and hey, it's normal...some of what I will tell you may shock you, but I know you won't run away from me...lol.
Now, where do I start....a dear friend of ours tells me that I shouldn't let this rule my life, but I guess in some ways it still does, and this is where I will need your help at times, and reassurance. I trust you will give me that much.
I'll start from the beginning, well from where I remember...I was born in Bundaberg, but soon after my birth my mother (Maxine), walked out of the hospital leaving me behind...so my dad (Bernie) applied through the hospital to have me released to his care, and then somewhere after that Family Services stepped in and I ended up in their care, and the care of different families. I don't know the full story of the hospital saga, but I only know what I have been told. The rest of what I will tell you here I do know for a fact, as I received my files from Freedom of Information and the stuff in there was enough to make my skin crawl...
At the age of 3years old I was in a car accident (I may have told you about this or part of it). I don't know who was driving, I know there was an article in the newspaper about it, and that remains in my file at Freedom Of Information. One story was that a white panel van hit us side on...I was on the side the van hit, and the back door wrapped around me...literally...glass had shattered all over me, and in my face...hence the now light scarring on my face. I also suffered a punctured lung and a few broken ribs. I was flown by chopper to Royal Children's Hospital in Brisbane, and was on life support for who knows how long, before almost having the machines turned off...somehow I miraculously survived that one.
At the age of 5, I fell off a log at preschool and broke my wrist..still hasn't healed properly, and boy, don't I know it in winter time? It hurts like hell! So does my left knee, which I chipped on the corner of a glass sliding door at the age of 18/19, after I went for a slide on the very wet and slippery verandah. Also to add to that list of accidents was a slip on the concrete at the town pool, in Hervey Bay many years ago...chipping my tail bone, and of course the two car accidents I've had...one when I was with Dad in the XF with the trailer, and the other was on my first honeymoon! Yep it started with a BANG! Literally...a 1990 Holden Statesman crossed 2 lanes came across and hit my poor magna (first car I had bought by myself) and the impact was bad enough that the car's front-end moved across 1 inch, and by three car panel beaters was declared a unrepairable write-off. Why? Because the front suspension where the wheel arch is was literally leaning inwards, and behind the wheel on the drivers side had snapped! My right leg was caught underneath the dash...but no damage to me was done...shaken not stirred. :)
Now for the harsher stuff...eww....for many years of my childhood and early teens, as I was living with Bernie, because he had fought the courts to get me out of care, and because nothing was proven at that time, there was no hard evidence that they could charge him with...the doctors reports all said that the evidence was misconstrued...how I don't know...I don't understand that part of it. How can you misconstrue the fact that a very young girl's hymen (aka virginity) was broken by an implement...not sure by what exactly, I know that he used his finger more than once, any thing else I do not remember that much...I remember this because it is scarred in my mind like an engraved word into wood. And even though I have had tonnes of counselling and explanations as to why he could have done what he did, I still feel hurt and scarred from it all...I try not let it rule my life, but I do...I know I do, hence why I question (and I will continue to question) the fact that no matter how hard this gets for us, that you will stick around as you say, til the end of time. All through my life, I have always failed at things...with my kids, with myself, with my relationships....not being negative just saying what I have failed in....but I will say that the experiences I have had in my life have in some way soften me, to the point of almost being defensive-less, and in some ways has made me stronger...within myself. And you must know that it wasn't just Bernie (my sperm-donor as I refer to him as, because in my eyes that's all he was...in my eyes, and from what I know...a Father has no right to do that to his daughters...it's just sickening.) Was also Bernie's best mate (2 of)...the one I told you about who stood in the kitchen of our home and urinated in his hand...he didn't touch me, I don't think, but his other friend, who was my primary school best friend at the time's (not Kat) father...me thinking that what they were doing was the normal thing to do, I went along with it...and the worst thing is my then best friend never knew anything about it til 15years later when she confronted me over it, coz the same parts in my files were blanked out in hers, and that's how we pieced the puzzle together, and worked out a lot of crap that we had both went through...what he dad did to me, mine did to her, and none of knew any better...neither of us knew, and we used to try and protect eachother...well I failed to protect her and vice versa. Kat is the only other person who knows my life story – hence why she is protective of me, coz that's all she and her mum did for me was protect me where necessary....even Mum and Dad Logan know the whole story, and why they have stuck by me through the thick and thin of it all...and why I feel I 'owe' them in some way.
Anyway..getting off that subject now...getting alittle torn up inside...understandable I know....but should never have happened.
Ok...RE Kids: Matthew as you know, was a product of my first boyfriend...we were together for only 8 months...we went to the same school and he was three years older than me. I used to hide out at his house, in their back shed (coz that's where his room was), under his bed, whenever his mum or friends would come over...I was fed two-minute noodles whenever I stayed there and trust me, was better than being at home with Bernie, where I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused daily. I drank about 125ml of Mississippi Moonshine, ended up drunk from it, and yeah well you can picture what went on from there....I don't remember what actually happened...as far as I know Robert was the only guy there...but I remembered he called me a 'slut' because I didn't bleed after my supposive first time...(this I found out the next day)...I was horrified, that this had happened to me...I was only 15. And within a few days or so after that, I was sick, vomiting, blacking out, taken to hospital to find out that I was pregnant at just 15!! Not what I wanted. My doctor was good. She offered me the option to abort, or to carry. I chose to carry the baby (Matthew) to full term. Why? I don't believe in abortion, to me no matter how old the foetus is, to me it still has a heart, therefore is still a life...he doesn't know his real dad, all he knows is that he wasn't ready to be a father...poor excuse...but I tried to be the best mum I could be for him, for at-least the first 6 years of his life, when I realised I wasn't able to give him what I felt he needed from me..I didn't know how too. I was 16 when I had Matthew. But while I was pregnant with him, I went through a phase of suicide. I tried a few 'ideas' to end my life to escape the pain of my past (the abuse), I've overdosed, I've sliced my wrists, I've drank enough alcohol that I should've been dead....passed out and taken to hospital and put in isolation to sleep it off, and then released to go do it again...and again never worked... I've tried even holding my breath for as long as I could...nothing worked...so I put down to the fact that I was put on this Earth for a reason. Brendan, was kinda planned...Chris was a surprise and Bradley (after Brendan I went on the Depo Provera Needle, and then again after Bradley)... was kinda planned too. Brendan was born with a lung infection, 4 weeks early and was whisked away to SCBU(Special Care Baby Unit), and put on many machine in a humidicrib...he's body temperature and obs were checked half hourly or so...was a fight for his young life. The thing that helped Bren to thrive was, believe it or not, my breast milk. Yep the hospital at Nambour allowed me to express my milk so they could tube feed him. So Brendan has had his fair share of rough times too...not as much as young Bradley though.
Chris was born with no health problems...and Bradley who was born 4 weeks early (hospital questions that he was maybe 5-6 weeks early)... was born 'healthy', but by the 4th week, Bradley had lost his sucking and swallowing reflexes, and began losing more weight than he was gaining, and then he had a nasal-gastric (ng) tube inserted, for feeding, because whenever he did try to feed, the poor little bugger would tire too quickly, and therefore not finish his feeds. He was lucky if he could drink 10mls by himself before going to sleep. He wouldn't wake up for his feeds, so therefore he wasn't responding to hunger, and spent a lot of time in and out of hospital at Hervey Bay, because Maryborough never had the facilities, and now I don't think they even have a maternity ward there now. Well when I was ready to have Bradley I was instructed by Maryborough Hospital to go straight to Hervey Bay, so yeah go figure. Well that was it was happy...so I thought. We had moved to Hervey Bay...because of the amount of time Bradley spent in that Hospital...it was virtually our second home at that time. Bradley progressed slower than normal, slower than an average baby. And still does, but he makes little steps of progress every day...and seeing that makes me happy.
I was working for Dial A Driver in Hervey Bay..and life was ok. I left Alan and my boys for our then at the time housemate...because I was tempted to something I thought was better than what I already had...I had my kids....and a partner who loved me, but I felt something was missing. Alan developed trust issues after I had approached him and confronted him about the feelings (I was being honest to him, as I knew I should have) and so we separated. Andrew (our then housemate) n I left town for Brisbane...to start a new life. We hit some bumps and ripples in our relationship and after we both went to his grandmother's place at Crestmead (we lived at Morningside), we separated. That night his Uncle attacked me sexually...i wanted to tell someone in the house, but felt no one would listen so I had to find my own way back to Morningside, where Kat and her partner (at the time) Scott, drove me back to Crestmead, as Scott wanted to confront that family and find out what the heck happened....all of them denied that anything happened...protecting eachother. I tried to get on with my own life, after that...but whenever I spoke to another guy who may have been a possible relationship, I felt like I was cheating or doing something wrong. Andrew turned to drugs...hardcore...he tried everything and anything, party drugs and everything he could get his hands on...ended up in hospital after crashing his motorbike, or pushing his limits with the drugs he was on...10 days later we got back together...I did it because I found out I was pregnant...with Delilah, after having Delilah I had the Implanon rod inserted in my arm...was supposed to stop me from falling pregnant...I was also on the waiting list to have my tubes tied....6months later I found out I was already 5 months pregnant, with DJ. My 6th pregnancy...so away we went again...had DJ and begged the hospital to tie my tubes...After all the begging 6 weeks later my tubes were tied, and I felt safe. Safe that I wasn't going to fall pregnant unexpectedly again. My body went downhill after Delilah, and then DJ. But even though the kids were expected, I love them none the less, just that I am unable to give them the love and attention they need. So I choose that they do not live with me. I love them all, I have contact with them all...I'm happy with that. After 3 relationship breakdowns, I was set in the mind that I was doomed, as far as relationships were concerned...all of them failed in some way and for whatever reason, and no one was strong enough to help me hold everything together. I met a guy Matt...5 weeks together, he got what he wanted from me, hurt me sexually...long story not going there....he lied to me, wouldn't change his relationship status on facebook, not that that mattered so much, but what did matter was finding out that while he was with me, all the times he was saying he was 'working', he was actually seeing other women for sex...telling them he was single and so-forth. So I gave up on men for a while...and turned bi...the tendencies are there but I am somewhat confused about it...I have been for a while...then I met Adam... :)

Well hope that didn't shock you too much :)
From Missy Maree xo